The_Doge of St. Louis' Domain
The URL for this page is http://www.pobox.com/~thedoge/pythontrek.html

Captain KirkPythonTrek V: The Final RipoffCaptain PIcard

By Victor W. Wong

As originally posted to alt.fan.monty-python

The BBC would like to apologize for the following programme:

FADE IN on Enterprise 1701-D in warp.  CUT to WORF walking down a corridor,
pausing at the door to her quarters and entering.  CUT to
interior of quarters.

                                   WORF

     Good afternoon, Mother.  Hello, Mrs. Troi.

CUT to view of MRS. TROI and MRS. ROZHENKO making goo-goo faces at WORF.

                                 MRS. TROI

     Ooooooh, he's walking already.

                               MRS. ROZHENKO

     Yes, he's such a clever little boy, aren't you?  Coochy coochy
     coo ...

                                 MRS. TROI

     Hello there you little coochy coochy ...

                               MRS. ROZHENKO

     Clever little fellow, oochy coochy ...

They continue to coo at him, chucking his chin and pinching his cheek. 
WORF bears this with restrained impatience.

                                 MRS. TROI

     Oooooh, now look at him laughing.  He's so cute.  Eh?  Can he
     talk?  Can he talk?  Can he talk now?  Eh?  Ooooh ...

                                   WORF

     Of course I can talk, Mrs. Troi, I am the chief security officer
     on board this ship.

                                 MRS. TROI

     Ooooh, such a clever little boy--he's a clever little boy, aren't
     you (waves a toy batt'leh at him)  Do you like your batt'leh? 
     Doooo you like your batt'leh?  Look at his eyes following it, eh? 
     Ooooh (tickles WORF'S stomach)  he's got a tubby tum-tum, such a
     cute widdle tummy tum-tum ...

CAMERA swivels away from MRS. TROI as WORF faces MRS. ROZHENKO.

                                   WORF

     Ah-heh.  Look, Mother, could I have a quick glass of Regulan blood
     wine?  I have to brief the Captain on the new security drills at
     eighteen hundred ...

Sound of explosion.  WORF and MRS. ROZHENKO turn to see a charred spot
where MRS. TROI had been standing.

                               MRS. ROZHENKO

     Ooooh, Mrs. Troi's exploded.

                                   WORF

     I'll have to inform Deanna.

                               MRS. ROZHENKO

     And she was such a lovely little gossip, too.

                                   WORF

     Please don't be too sentimental, Mother.  Around here things
     explode every day.

                               MRS. ROZHENKO

     Yes, I suppose.  I didn't like her, really.

                                   WORF

     I'll go tell Deanna.

He exits. CUT to Worf striding to Deanna's quarters.  He presses the
doorbell.  The door opens to reveal two people, nude, sitting at a pipe
organ with their backs to the camera.  MR. HOMM is standing beside the
organ.  One of the nude people turns her head; it's TROI.

                                   TROI

     Oh, hello, Worf.

She turns back and plays introductory-type music on the pipe organ.

                                 MR. HOMM

     (smiling)  And now for something completely different.

The other nude person turns his head.  It is ADMIRAL McCOY.

                               ADMIRAL McCOY

     It's ...

CUT TO animation and music, Dennis McCarthy arrangement of The Liberty
Bell Overture over scenes of starships getting squashed by giant feet
and 16-ton weights.  Somewhere in there is the title:

                             PYTHONTREK V:
                           THE FINAL RIPOFF

CUT to U.S.S. Enterprise (circa TOS) zooming through space.  CUT to
Enterprise briefing room.  KIRK, McCOY, SCOTT, and SPOCK are seated.  Spock
rises to speak.

                                   SPOCK

     Gentlemen, after examining our computers I must report that we
     are in need of an overhaul.  For the type of work we need to do
     on this assignment, we need a full upgrade of data storage and
     processing.

                                   SCOTT

     How do you mean, Mr. Spock?

                                   SPOCK

     Simply put, Mr. Scott, we will need data.  Lots of it.  In the
     processing units, and in storage.  Some of it in nice blocks of
     RAM, some of it in lovely piles of data cards, other bits neatly
     segmented into sectors ... (starting to get excited) delicate
     magnetic coding recorded onto bulging reels of tape, nice shiny
     CD-ROM disks, pert little high-density diskettes stuffed into
     bulging trouser pockets, romantic exotic cassettes rolling into
     the tape drive with the whine of easy familiarity ... (starting
     to get over-excited) beautiful wayward circles of magnetically-
     coated celluloid, housed with such delicate balance in high-
     impact beige plastic casing, jostling against each other in the
     intimate spaces of a disk cabinet ... (clears his throat and
     composes himself)  Forgive me, gentlemen.  It's just that I love
     data.  All sorts of data.  I've always wanted data. (starting to
     get worked up again)  To read.  To handle. To experience.  The
     feel of a factoid.  (gets up on the briefing table) The glory and
     the glitter of the gigabyte.  The romance of the RAM, the scent
     of a silicon chip, the delight of a diskette, and the
     electrically-charged excitement of an isolinear chip ...

In the background piano music starts to play.  SPOCK starts to sing.

                                   SPOCK

     I've got ninety thousand megs of information
     Stored in forty thousand double sided disks
     I've a lot of CPUs
     That I can access if I choose
     Whether it's Pentium or Macintosh or RISC

A men's chorus (all in red shirts) enters into view.

                             SPOCK AND SINGERS

     There is nothing quite as wonderful as data
     There is nothing quite as solid as a truth
     Some people want to spurn it
     But I'd rather live and learn it
     With data they can't call you uncouth

Music changes key.  The chorus starts dancing.

                             SPOCK AND SINGERS

     There is nothing quite as wonderful as data
     (data, data, data)
     There is nothing like a fact that's just been found
     Well, everyone's desiring
     Information that's inspiring
     It's computers that make knowledge go around
     (round, round, round)

                                   SPOCK

     You can keep your Luddite ways
     But it's only just a phase

                             SPOCK AND SINGERS

     'Cause it's data, data, data makes the world go round

The SINGERS do a choreographed dance to the camera.

                                  SINGERS

     Data, data, data, data, data, data, data, data, data ...

Cut to close-up of DATA.

                                   DATA

     Well, I can't ask for a better introduction than that, now can I?

PAN with DATA as he walks up to the doors of a building.  There is a sign
nearby which reads "DAYSTROM INSTITUTE--CANADIAN ANNEX."  Commander BRUCE
MADDOX approaches and shakes Data's hand.

                                  MADDOX

     Hello, Data.

                                   DATA

     Commander Maddox?

                                  MADDOX

     We're all on a first-name basis here at the Academy, Data.  Call
     me Bruce.

                                   DATA

     Very well ... Bruce.

                                  MADDOX

     Come on in, I'll introduce you to the faculty.

CUT to faculty lounge, where three people are seated doing leisure things
like drinking coffee, reading books and magazines, etc.
MADDOX and DATA walk through the door.

                                  MADDOX

     Hello, Bruce.

                                FIRST BRUCE

     Hi Bruce.

                               SECOND BRUCE

     G'day, eh, Bruce?

                           THIRD BRUCE (female)

     How's it goin', eh Bruce?

                                  MADDOX

     Fine, Bruce, just fine. (looks around)  Where's Bruce?

                               SECOND BRUCE

     He's got a class, Bruce.

                                  MADDOX

     Ah.  Geez, it's hot in here, Bruce.

                                FIRST BRUCE

     Air conditioner's broke like a bronco, Bruce.

                               SECOND BRUCE

     That's a strange expression, Bruce.

                                FIRST BRUCE

     I overheard the PM use it, eh?  "The air conditioner's broke like
     a bronco, Mr. President," she said, and the old man smiled
     quietly to himself.

                                THIRD BRUCE

     She's got class for a lass from Cape Breton, eh Bruce?

                               SECOND BRUCE

     There might be a song in your last statement, eh Bruce?

                                  MADDOX

     (clears throat)  Gentlemen ... and Bruce (to THIRD BRUCE)  I'd
     like to introduce our new sessional lecturer, just fresh off the
     U.S.S. Enterprise.  He'll be teaching part of the summer session
     here at the Daystrom Institute branch here at the University of
     Kampuskasing.

                             ALL THREE BRUCES

     G'day, eh?

                                  MADDOX

     Data, this is Bruce ... Mr. Data, Bruce ... Data, this is Ms.
     Bruce, but you can call her by her first name, Bruce.

                                FIRST BRUCE

     'Ere, is your name not Bruce, then?

                                   DATA

     No, it's Data.

                                THIRD BRUCE

     That could cause a bit of confusion.

                               SECOND BRUCE

     How's about we call you Bruce, to keep things clear, eh?

                                  MADDOX

     Fine.  Data, have a seat (DATA sits down) and we can start the
     faculty meeting.  Bruce, why don't you break out the two-four,
     eh?

                                THIRD BRUCE

     Sure thing, Bruce. (she opens a cooler and starts passing out
     beers to people)

                                  MADDOX

     Thanks, Bruce.  Now, Bruce, please give Mr. Data here the
     official welcome.

                                FIRST BRUCE

     (standing)  I'd like to welcome ol'Yellow Eyes here to God's
     country--and just to let you know, we don't like stuck-up stiffy
     beaks here, eh?

                             ALL OTHER BRUCES

     Hear, hear, well said, eh Bruce?

                                  MADDOX

     Now, then, Bruce there teaches quantum mechanics, Bruce there
     teaches warp theory and Bruce there teaches starship aerodynamics
     and is also in charge of the donuts.

                                FIRST BRUCE

     What's the new Bruce going to teach?

                                  MADDOX

     New Bruce will be teaching robotics, android construction and
     positronics--Flint, Harry Mudd, Roger Korby, Noonian Soong,
     Graves, Landau, Bain, Morris, Nimoy and Linda Day George.

                               SECOND BRUCE

     Those are all Mission Impossible actors.

                                  MADDOX

     Awwwww, spit.

                                THIRD BRUCE

     Waves of derisive laughter, eh?

They all stand up.

                                  BRUCES

     Canada, Canada, Canada, Canada ... we love you, amen.

They sit down again.
                                  MADDOX

     Right.  Are there any questions?

                                FIRST BRUCE

     New Bruce--are you a Borgie?

                                  MADDOX

     (to DATA)  Are you a Borgie?

                                   DATA

     (startled) No.

                                  MADDOX

     No.  Right, now gentlemen (to THIRD BRUCE) and Bruce, I'll just
     remind you of the faculty rules. Rule 1, NO BORGIES.  Rule 2, no
     member of the faculty is to maltreat the socialists in the other
     building in any way whatsoever--if there's anyone watching.  Rule
     3, NO BORGIES.  Rule 4, now this time, I don't want to catch
     anyone NOT drinking.  Rule 5, NO BORGIES.  Rule 6, there is no
     Rule 6.  Rule 7--

                      ALL THE BRUCES (including DATA)

     NO BORGIES!

                                  MADDOX

     Right, that concludes the reading of the rules--BRUCE!

                                FIRST BRUCE

     (stands up with toy stuffed beaver in hand)

     This here's the beaver
     It's the emblem of our land
     It can shit out in the forest
     Or the palm o'yer'own hand

                              ALL THE BRUCES

     Amen!

Everyone stands up and starts to sing:

                                    ALL

     Moooont-gom'ry Scott, he's a drunken sot
     That they call a miracle worker
     And Old Man Flint, he's a boozy skint
     Over androids he's a lurker
     Harry Mudd loves Nelson's blood
     And lusts for robot girlies
     And Roger Korby's wired before he
     Pulls his short and curlies

     You can't break the laws of physics
     So you might as well have beer
     You must be really pissed
     To be a starship engineer

     Now little Leah Brahms hasn't got a lot of charms
     But after seven brandies she'll just fall into your arms
     Marvick, they saw, could really unthaw
     Forty martinis down the craw
     Zefrem Cochrane, Zefrem Cochrane did a lot of liquor-uppin'
     David Marcus chugged from a pail
     And Geordi La Forge, he could really gorge
     Went to warp on Romulan ale

CUT to MORN and GARAK stumbling down a DS9 corridor towards the Promenade,
drunk.  They are singing in the same key as the BRUCES, although perhaps a
little off.

                              MORN AND GARAK

     Now don't you worry if the k'narr glass
     Makes you feel a little queer
     You need a mighty liver as a Starship engineer

They pass the infirmary door, laughing drunkenly.  CUT to Infirmary
interior.  CHIEF O'BRIEN is lying on a biobed.  DOCTOR BASHIR is seated
beside him with padd in hand.

                                  BASHIR

     So, what seems to be the problem, Chief?

                                  O'BRIEN

     Ah--depression, I suppose.  It's been four months since I last
     saw Keiko.

                                  BASHIR

     She does write you, doesn't she?

                                  O'BRIEN

     Yes, she does.  So does Molly.  But it's not really the same
     thing.  I guess I miss her being with me in person.

                                  BASHIR

     Er--what exactly do you miss?

                                  O'BRIEN

     Things like her cooking--the opportunity to talk with her about--
     oh, little things--you know, the intimacy--

                                  BASHIR

     Oh, you mean sex!

                                  O'BRIEN

     Er--well, not really sex.

                                  BASHIR

     Oh, come now.  I mean, you've got her in bed--she's all primed
     and ready for it--

                                  O'BRIEN

     No, no, sex isn't the problem.

                                  BASHIR

     Oh, of course it is.  Now, you've got her all hot and ready for
     it, in your bed with her panties sliding down her legs--they're
     now draped around your shoulders while she's giving you a come-
     hither look--

QUARK sticks his head through the door.

                                   QUARK

     Doctor?  Garak said to tell you your dress uniform's ready.

                                  BASHIR

     Oh, er, ahem, oh good.  Will you excuse me, Chief?

He exits.  QUARK enters with a pint of synthale which he hands to O'BRIEN.

                                   QUARK

     Here.  On the house.  I think this may help cheer you up.

                                  O'BRIEN

     Er--thanks.  (takes a tentative sip)

                                   QUARK

     So what seems to be the problem?

                                  O'BRIEN

     Problem?

                                   QUARK

     Look, Bashir's a doctor, not a ship's counsellor.  And here on
     the station, when people have troubles, they can always tell
     their local bartender.

                                  O'BRIEN

     Oh, well--it's nothing that a visit with my wife wouldn't cure.

                                     QQUARK

     Oh, woman troubles!

                                  O'BRIEN

     No, no, not troubles, more like--

                                   QUARK

     Oh, sex troubles!

                                  O'BRIEN

     No!

                                   QUARK

     Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Chief!  I mean, think about
     it--you've got her naked on the bed, you've been playing with her
     breasts for the past few minutes--her feet are rubbing at your
     crouch and you're both about ready for--

ODO sticks his head through the door.

                                    ODO

     Quark--your brother says he's got a problem with a customer at
     the bar.

                                   QUARK

     Oh damn.  Look, we'll talk later, all right, Chief?

He leaves.  ODO takes his place on the chair.

                                    ODO

     Now what was that all about?

                                  O'BRIEN

     Oh, I was just about to tell him how much I missed my wife, and
     he started talking about sex.

                                    ODO

     Oh, so part of it's sexual, then?

                                  O'BRIEN

     What?  Now wait a minute ...

                                    ODO

     Well, it shouldn't be much of a problem, really.

                                  O'BRIEN

     It isn't a problem at all!

                                    ODO

     After all, the way to do it--you've got her in the bed, you've
     been ten minutes feeling her up--she's spent all that playing her
     hot tongue down your throat ...  and her legs are propped up
     round your shoulders--

TROI sticks her head through the door.


                                   TROI

     Constable Odo?  Quark says he'll need your help at the bar.

                                    ODO

     Ah.  All right then.  We can continue this later, Chief.

He leaves.  TROI enters and takes ODO's place.

                                   TROI

     Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear.

                                  O'BRIEN

     That's all right, Counsellor.  Odo's not that much of a good
     listener.

                                   TROI

     Ah, but then he's not a trained ship's counsellor, and neither is
     Quark.  Fortunately for you, I am.  But you know that of course--
     we served together, you know my qualifications very well.  (hands
     O'BRIEN some papers, describing them)  But just to reassure you,
     this is my degree in psychology from Starfleet Medical, I'll bet
     Odo doesn't have that.  This is my membership card in the
     Psychology Association.  And this here's a letter from my--er,
     late mother, in which she refers to my position as ship's
     counsellor.  I'm sure you'll agree that's pretty conclusive.

                                  O'BRIEN

     Yes, I suppose it would be, but--

                                   TROI

     Fine.  Now about your problem ...

                                  O'BRIEN

     Problem?

                                   TROI

     Yes.  Now then, you've got her reclining on the bed, she's
     pinching her nipple with one hand and stroking your willie with
     the other--she's moaning something incredibly obscene while
     licking your ear--

DR. CRUSHER sticks her head in the door.

                                  CRUSHER

     Deanna, Will wants to talk with you.

                                   TROI

     Darn.  Just when I was getting warmed up.

She exits.  DR. CRUSHER takes her place.

                                  O'BRIEN

     What on earth is going on?

                                  CRUSHER

     How do you mean, Chief?

                                  O'BRIEN

     Well, I came here to talk about my feeling depressed, and
     everyone else starts talking about sex.

                                  CRUSHER

     Oh, that.  That's part of the seminar.

                                  O'BRIEN

     Seminar?

                                  CRUSHER

     Yes, there was a seminar by Starfleet Medical here last week.  A
     new treatment in which the patient is encouraged to talk about
     sex as a means of therapy.

                                  O'BRIEN

     And Odo and Quark?  They attended?

                                  CRUSHER

     Well, they held it in the bar.

                                  O'BRIEN

     But why focus on sex?

                                  CRUSHER

     Well, it seems to be a universal constant among Federation
     species, it's a topic most people can understand and relate to,
     and the emotional drives associated with it are the ones which we
     need to deal with in therapy.

                                  O'BRIEN

     Oh.

                                  CRUSHER

     That plus the fact that no one in Starfleet Medical has had any
     in weeks--

                                  O'BRIEN

     What?

                                  CRUSHER

     I mean, we can't help but think about naked flesh, glistening
     with sweat, rubbing against each other while--

CUT to UPN flying logo.

                           PICARD'S VOICE (OOV)

     The UPN would like to apologize for the previous sketch.  Not
     only is it not all that good, but it was based on a premise which
     may give younger viewers ideas.  Contrary to what has been
     previously implied, successful Starfleet officers do NOT spend
     every waking moment obsessed with whom they're going to take to
     bed that night--

CUT to shot of KIRK (circa TOS) looking sly and waggling eyebrows.  CUT
back to UPN flying logo.

                           PICARD'S VOICE (OOV)

     Um ... MOST successful Starfleet officers--er, anyway, for those
     viewers who may prefer subject material more suitable for the
     family, we now invite you to switch to PBS.  No, no, just
     kidding.  We now present `Story Time,' children's stories read by
     Captain Kathryn Janeway.

CUT to JANEWAY, dressed in holonovel gown, with a storybook on her lap.

                                  JANEWAY

     Hello, boys and girls.  Are you ready for your story?  (camera
     nods) Then let's begin.  (opens book and reads)  "Once upon a
     time there was a little pixie named Rixie.  One day Rixie the
     Pixie went to visit Daisy the Bumblebee in her little beehive
     cottage.  He knocked on the door (mimes knocks) and called out,
     `Daisy, are you home?'  `I'm home, in the bedroom,' replied Daisy
     in the voice of a bumblebee.  So Rixie the Pixie entered the
     bedroom to find Daisy sitting on her bed, dressed in her sheerest
     negligee.  Roughly he grabbed her by the shoulders and ripped off
     her ... " (reads silently, then begins flipping the pages) 
     Perhaps, children, we should try another story.  (stops at a
     page)  Ah, here we go.  "Captain Jack was a buccaneer of the high
     seas.  Now Jack was a rough, tough sort of fellow.  He loved life
     on his galleon--can you say `galleon,' boys and girls?--and he
     loved walking down to the harbour where the little boys hung out
     all dressed in leather bras--"  (reads silently again, then
     rapidly flips pages)--Um, let's see if we can find another one. 
     Oh, this should do it--Bumblesleep the Toymaker.  "Once upon a
     time there was a jolly fat fellow named Bumblesleep, who owned a
     toyshop that was built into a large oak tree in the valley of
     Free Fairies.  Everyone loved the toyshop, and they loved to look
     into his window where Bumblesleep showed all his wares--dildoes,
     bullwhips, vibrators--"  (reads silently again, then to herself) 
     they can do THAT with a candelabra?

A combadge chirp startles JANEWAY.

                               TUVOK'S VOICE

     Bridge to Janeway.

                                  JANEWAY

     Go ahead.

                               TUVOK'S VOICE

     Captain, the away team reports they are pinned down and under
     attack.

CUT to interior of a bombed-out building.  KIM, PARIS, TORRES and two other
CREWMEN are seated around various bits of rubble.  Sounds of explosions in
the distance.  KIM is attempting to play the harmonica, and is doing it
rather badly.  After several seconds of this, TORRES walks over to KIM and
taps him on the shoulder.  He hands her the harmonica; she snaps it in two
and hands it back.

                                  TORRES

     (politely)  Sorry.

CHAKOTAY walks in.  He looks battle-weary.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Okay, people, listen up!  I've located a path to the beam-up
     site, but unfortunately we'll need a distraction to ensure that
     most of us get there safely.

                                   PARIS

     Most of us?

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Yes.  The basement of this building is crammed full of TNT.  I've
     managed to locate a detonator.

                                    KIM

     Blowing up the building would be a distraction for the people
     pinning us down.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Yes, but there's a hitch.  I didn't find a timer, and the wire
     connecting the detonator to the explosives is very short.  Which
     means--

                                  TORRES

     --that one of us has to stay behind to blow up the building.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Right.  Now, I can't ask anyone to volunteer for this.  So we'll
     have to decide by drawing straws.  (He holds out six straws) 
     Short straw knows what to do.

Everyone draws.  CHAKOTAY winds up holding the short straw.

                                   PARIS

     Looks like you, sir.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Is it?  (looks at straw)  Didn't I say longest straw?

                               FIRST CREWMAN

     No, sir, shortest.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Um--we'd better do that again, there's obviously been a mixup.

They draw straws again, with the same results.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Um--best of three.

                                    KIM

     Sir, we already drew twice.  Two out of three is best of three.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Oh.  Well, best of five, then.

They draw straws again, with the same results.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     All right.  I've drawn the short straw which means--er, that I
     get to decide the means to select the one who gets--um, gets left
     behind.  Now--not to take rank into consideration, but should I
     make it back I can make a strong recommendation for a posthumous
     decoration.  (He looks around; no takers)  Ah, um, well, good--
     er--(starts counting) My-mother-said-to-pick-the-very-best-one-
     and-you-are-it (points to himself)  No, wait a minute, I must
     have done this wrong. (counts again)  My-mother-said-to-pick-the
     very-best-one-and-you-are-it (points to himself again)  Damn,
     that doesn't seem to be working.

                                    KIM

     How about scissor, paper, rock, sir?

                                 CHAKOTAY

     (snaps his fingers)  Right, we'll try that.  Ready?  One, two,
     three-- (Chakotay puts out scissors, everyone else puts out
     stone)  Um--stone, stone, stone, stone, stone, and--er, scissors
     cuts stone, right?

                                  TORRES

     No, sir, stone breaks scissors.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     Ah--but these are very high-quality scissors.

He "snips".  TORRES rolls her eyes.

A KLINGON in full battle regalia walks onto the scene.

                                  KLINGON

     All right, hold it, hold it, cut, stop filming.

                                 CHAKOTAY

     What?

                                  KLINGON

     I'm stopping this scene.  It's silly.

                                   PARIS

     But--

                                  KLINGON

     Go on, clear off the lot of you! (shoos them off; all of them
     protest as they leave the set)  Bloody silly if you ask me.  A
     leader trying to avoid death.  That's not the Klingon way, I'll
     tell you that.  (to camera)  It's not even particularly funny. 
     Now no one likes a laugh better than I do--except for my mate--
     and my lads on the ship--and of course Captain Klaa--come to
     think of it, MOST people like a laugh better than I do, but
     that's beside the point.  (starts walking, the CAMERA pans with
     him)  The point is, you want light entertainment, not people
     telling jokes about sex.  That's the problem with comedy these
     days--sex.  Not that sex is a problem.  I mean, you've got the
     woman, you've just ripped off her blouse revealing her firm tits,
     she's gasping for breath as you thrust your tongue down her
     mouth--

The three BRUCES suddenly pop up and grab the KLINGON as he continues
talking, and bustle him off.  Pan to BRUCE MADDOX talking with DR. CRUSHER.

                                  MADDOX

     It's quite simple really, doctor.  The therapist tends to use
     stock phrases to get the patient to respond.  Depending on the
     response, a special database is used to analyse the response and
     the computer slips into one of a variety of positronic
     subroutines which are considered appropriate for the treatment.

                                  CRUSHER

     Hmmm ... a computerized counsellor, eh?

                                  MADDOX

     Yes, programmed with all the latest in therapeutic techniques. 
     It's a long way from the clumsy stuff that amateurs like
     bartenders want to use.

                                  CRUSHER

     How's it work?

                                  MADDOX

     It's undergoing field trials now.

CUT to DS9 infirmary.  O'BRIEN is lying on a biobed.  Beside him is a 1960s
era mainframe computer.

                              COMPUTER VOICE

     Right, now, you've got her legs lifted up round your shoulders
     and she's ready for you to stick it in--

The door opens and CAPTAIN SISKO walks in.

                                   SISKO

     OUT!

CUT to Bajoran botanical garden.  The computer is sitting in the middle of
it.

CUT to SISKO pulling out a phaser and firing one shot.  The shot hits a
rope.  CUT back to garden : a sixteen-ton weight falls on the computer.
Roll music and credits:

                     PYTHONTREK V : THE FINAL RIP-OFF

                              was scripted by

                              VICTOR W. WONG

               based on characters and situations created by

                             GENE RODDENBERRY
                                RICK BERMAN
                              MICHAEL PILLER
                                JERI TAYLOR

                         and plots and stories by

                              GRAHAM CHAPMAN
                                JOHN CLEESE
                               TERRY GILLIAM
                                 ERIC IDLE
                                TERRY JONES
                               MICHAEL PALIN

                      All characters and likenesses 
                copyright (c) 1995 Paramount Pictures Inc.
               USED WITHOUT PERMISSION FOR PARODY PURPOSES

This is an UNAUTHORIZED and UNOFFICIAL parody of characters and situations
as seen in the STAR TREK collection of television series, based on a story
concept used earlier on the alt.startrek.creative newsgroup on Internet. 
 Persons wishing to publish or reproduce this work in a not-for-profit
publication (e.g. fanzine) may contact the author for permission through
                              the Internet at

                         ah447@freenet.carleton.ca


CUT TO Enterprise-D bridge, Captain PICARD is sitting alone.

                                  PICARD

     In case you're wondering, my contract says I must make an appear-
     ance in this episode.  This is it. (pause) No, really, that was
     my only line.  (pause) I mean, I hope you're not expecting any-
     thing particularly funny, because really the writers haven't come
     up with anything this week. (pause)  Well, I suppose I could
     stretch this out and improvise.  Charge overtime.  (clears
     throat) So, did you hear the one about--


CUT to black.

Copyright © 1995 Victor W. Wong. All rights reserved.

Copyright 2003 Chuck Lavazzi

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